Crystal Maze Games That Were Too Hard 2: 2 Hard 2 Crystal

Ok, I admit it, that title is terrible. I apologize and I promise I'll never do anything that atrocious again until the next time I do it.

Following on from my last post covering all the '90s games that nobody won, I just wanted to have a quick look at all the games that have been used since Richard Ayoade took over which saw nobody walking out one crystal heavier than how they walked in.

Before I start, for reference and photos I'm using David Newton's website www.crystalmazedatabase.com. Much like if you want '90s show details you use Marc Gerrish, David Newton is who you can rely on for revival stats. Marc and David are to adventure game show fans as Stanley Gibbons is to stamp collectors. I only know that thanks to The New Statesman, I've been really ploughing through the boxsets lately.

Back to the matter at hand. Again, I still feel the games are a little easier in general than the '90s games were but thats not to say they're all easy. While testing some games pre-filming, there was some I (engage smug mode) was brilliant at, and some I was complete and utter shash at. Case in point, this:

My memory is terrible so I had no hope with this, not a problem for writer and actor Steve Pemberton. My own failings aside, here's the games from the revival that nobody has won.

I'm dividing them by filming year, as they get broken up into random blocks for broadcast.  This is going off what has been broadcast on UK TV thus far. There's three from the first filming block that haven't been shown here but have been on international broadcasts (Hi Australia. How are you doing?) and there's still half of last year's filming block yet to air. The Governess and myself are quite eager to get them on air but alas, no progress yet.

I second this!

— Anne Hegerty (@anne_hegerty) May 6, 2020

 Filmed 2017

Don't Let Your Balls Drop - I could go with a far more mature name for this, but where's the fun in that. Quite a time consuming process edging the disc up corner by corner. Plus if you don't get how the ropes hold position, you can easily drop them straight away as in the case of Adil Ray, best known for Citizen Khan.

Double Sided Blocks - Arrange the 9 blocks so that they follow the specific rules on the wall, slightly different rules for each play so the audience playing along at home don't get over familiar. A lot of trial and error just saw everyone who tried it run out of time.

Cubes - Arrange all the cubes so that each image appears no more than once on each side. This game appears in Neale Simpson's highly rated book The Crystal Maze Challenge still available from all good book and ebook sellers. £4 on Google Play, go on, you know you want to. Anyway, this has only been played once on UK telly and again was a case of a lot of trial and error within the time limit.

Synonym Dominoes - Not a case of trial and error, simply a stack of failures brought on by not knowing the necessary knowledge. "Synonyms are words with similar meanings. I've been asked to provide that definition by Channel 4 who don't believe in you" says Richard Ayoade in a seperately recorded VO suggesting people don't understand words quite like we used to. In this game, there's just no-one who gets a move on with it to get all the pairs matched in 3 minutes.

Word Tetris - Only shown once but a tricky word game. Each piece can be laid either way round and back to front so there's a lot of possible combinations. So again a case of just not enough time if the player isn't getting a move on.

Filmed 2018

Hook-a-Key - Simple in theory but it turns out turning the age old trick of hooking keys through a letter box to break into a house makes for a tricky game, especially when it takes a little time to accurately hook each key and theres plenty of dummy keys.

Medieval Accountancy - A simple maths game that, if maths isn't your thing, isn't that simple.

Airgun Maze - From experience, ruddy hard work. I was a 6ft2 man running round hunched down in a small space, my legs were on fire afterwards. This one is hard work. The ball can roll back, it's time consuming getting to the right pod to shoot the ball from the right angle. It's absolutely doable, with the right person sent in.

Skull Swinging - Looks great on camera, looked great when I snuck a peek through a window, but I had no real idea of what it involved until I the hanging skull being swung wildly. The key would be to be very gentle and deliberate with where your swings are going. Unfortunately each time it was played just involved wild swings not realizing quite how much it'd take out each time.

Maze Grill - Another great looking game on camera, no help from outside, just an endless route of identical doors with great looking lighting on the floor. Very easy to get lost in a maze where everything looks the same.

Filmed 2019

Crystal Pathway 2 - Similar to an earlier series game but more complex with extra verticality and more steps. Requiring a run of flawlessly timed button presses, a lot of skill and a little luck. This was a case of time being against the player and a little over optimism where it involved risky placement of pieces.

Bungee Planets - Not impossible, I saw it beaten in testing in an amazing display of persistence and a level of swearing that'd struggle to get it on TV before 10pm, never mind the 9pm watershed. However when it comes to broadcast, it hasn't been done yet. Physically strenuous, made tougher by the bungee cords. If you're getting into a situation, it's a lot harder to pull yourself back up when the rope is stretching.

Dragon Digestive System - Similar to a '90s game but with more decoration, this one is about timing and rhythm. If you don't have those, you soon find the time ticking down and you're barely halfway to the dragon's mouth.

Launch Sequence - A memory game made harder by virtue of the fact the player is constantly on the move. It's hard enough remembering a sequence but remembering at you're passing it by, it becomes a real mind twister.

Letter Hunt - Two part game, first part involves finding letter hidden in the set dressing whether it be a shelf unit shaped as a G or a vaguely E shaped bench. That part is easy enough but then it becomes an anagram game and this is where everyone falls down. It'd be easier if they noticed the letters in order of the word they're looking for, but wheres the fun in that.

Disclaimer: Could this info be out of date when the rest of last years episodes get shown, of course it could. Will I be irrationally annoyed if Tarzan is beaten in under 30 seconds? Yes. Yes I will. But at the time of writing, everything is accurate according to UK broadcast. None of the US shows have been shown over here so who's to say if some of these have been beat by American contestants? (Americans obviously but that's not the point). And no, I don't have to plug that book every time, but I choose to as it's Neale who invited us to the set and I will never be able to thank him enough for that.