12/12/2020

A Crystal Maze Christmas Special (for Future Consideration)

 'Tis the season to forget what an utter pile of [insert your own choice of something unpleasant here] this year has been. I'm finding myself laid up for a few days after a doctor stuck a needle in the underside of my foot and as such have spent today ploughing through various specials of various shows. 

My Christmas seasonal viewing tends to include the same shows year after year, I'm a creature of habit. I'll enjoy Richard Richard taking a finger off while preparing Christmas dinner in 'Bottom', I'll watch Blackadder's Christmas Carol and see the most harrowing use of a codpiece as Baldrick presents himself to the future Queen. I'll even revisit episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks I've got stashed for a Rick Wakeman/Bill Bailey supergroup the world needs more of.

But there's one set of shows that it should come as no surprise to anyone to know that'll I'll be watching without fail, the TCM Kids Christmas Specials. Yeah, I'll still be watching the more recent offerings that's have made the effort to offer up a more festive mise-en-scene but I do have a slight problem with them. As the show is currently, every show is a celebrity special, so they aren't all that special. I do really enjoy all the extra changes they make but, to me, they are missing one big shift that'd make them a proper Christmas Special.

This last year, we've seen the US have their own incarnation of the show where the focus is on kids playing the games, with their parents tagging along. This US version is mostly produced by the same people who make the UK show so we know they can produce a kids show. What's to stop them just finding a lucky group of friends who together will be the only school-age group who get to do the show that year? A group who will also get the special treatment the show gets at Christmas, guest actors in seasonal roles, re-dressed games, Santa hats on the crystals, the works. 

I'd love to see Ayoade trying to deal with a group of excited kids, you remember how he was with the cheerleaders? It'd be that but with the added sense of trying to herd cats. They could get to play some games the adults have never managed to beat and put grown-ups to shame, or just do as bad a job as anyone else has.

One thing though, they have to win, it's Christmas. I don't care if they earn their prize legitimately or not. If they get over 100, well done. If not:

Richard: You collected 165 Gold. Well done, but it all depends on how much silver you got, and you got an awful lot of silver. 130. Which I'm afraid means you only got 35. It's a shame, it's a real shame, because it's Christmas and we put together a prize that... Well I don't want to sound too much like Bullseye, because I would be astonished if any of you even know what Bullseye is, but let's see what you could have won. 

We were going to send you to Disneyworld, it would be a good excuse as to why our prizes for grown ups are so highly budgeted. Unfortunately all I can offer you is your 'I Cracked The Crystal Maze" crystal, the best of luck in your future careers, and this present as I believe thats what people do at Christmas. You can open it now if you want.

They open the present. An endless pile of gold tokens fall out

Richard: Well, I'm not sure on numbers but that looks to be enough to go to Disneyworld. Merry Christmas. And thank you for watching, if indeed you still are.

 You can't end a festive kids special at on a downer. Would they have earned the prize? No, but is it the season for giving? Too right it is.

I can also say I'm sure they won't be short on interest for applications. I'm always watching Twitter for mentions of the show and there's plenty of families watching together whether it's broadcasts on Channel 4 or on-demand on All4 and I've seen the show has fans of all ages. There'd obviously have to be a lower limit but at least there'd be interest in later years.

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