The Crystal Maze PC Game - I don't want to be harsh, but there's no other option really

In general, I will praise and adore all Crystal Maze memorabilia. Whether it's the board games, the jigsaw puzzles, the thermal reactive mug I had made, the press photos that I've been getting extorted for on eBay, I love it all. I'll big up The Crystal Maze Challenge by Neale Simpson any day (still available digitally for £3.99)

However, The Crystal Maze PC game is the most infuriating bucket of arse-gravy I have ever played. And I played, and completed, 'Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness'. Twice.

Let's just quickly back up to the beginning. In 1994, a licensed PC game was released for 'The Crystal Maze'. I remember seeing a review for it on a Saturday morning ITV show called 'Movies, Games, and Videos' and it didn't look amazing then. Developed by Digital Jellyfish Design Ltd and published by Sherston Software, it released to not great reviews. PC Format said "The Crystal Maze is a hopeless piece of PC software, totally out of touch with what passes as a full-price game. A waste of money." before giving it a score of 21 out of 100.

So bad was it, it was TotalBiscuit's (a fellow North Eastern bloke. He was from Spennymoor, and if you're ever in that area I suggest a pint in The Penny Gill) contribution to @ashens book "Attack of the Flickering Skeletons: More Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of". A book about terrible old games you've probably never heard of. It's a terrible old game so allow me to make sure we've all heard of it.

Hands up, who just said "I remember that!"

From the off, from what I remember of my first seeing it reviewed on TV, it looked pretty naff. Keep in mind that was the opinion of a 6-year-old me, for whom the height of gaming at the time was the 8-bit platformer 'The Lucky Dime Caper starring Donald Duck' on my Master System 2. 

In theory, a Crystal Maze game should have been an easy task. 

• Make a load of mini-games. 
• Encase them in a presentation of themed zones onscreen. 
• Make sure they're controllable with a decent variety of gameplay to fit the 4 game types we're familiar with: Mental, Skill, Physical, Mystery.

However, none of those simple little goals are met here. There's nothing too original in the way of games for starters. Sliding puzzles we've all received before in every party bag we ever got from every birthday we ever went to in primary school (or lower school and half of middle school if they did your schooling system wrong). Also to be found were matching pairs games and a simple familiar memory sequence game that shouldn't tax the smallest of small children.

There are a few nice ideas carried over from the show such as 7 down/7 across. However, the tiles slide so slow that in the restrictive time limit, you don't have time to finish the puzzle even without mistakes.

Credit where credit's due, the crossbow game from medieval is somewhat acceptable, although the random wind modifier makes that challenge require a lot of trial and error. And the Gag the Gods game in Aztec is a semi-decent recreation of the TV game requiring timing but also perfect positioning.

On the other hand, however, there are the platforming Physical games involving pixel-perfect moving and jumping, avoiding hazards such as snakes. In the case of Aztec/Ocean's platform level, jumping from raft to raft across the water. Again, pixel perfectly. Then there's the Futuristic platforming game, just don't bother wasting your time starting, the hazards will hit you. Not might. WILL. If you're thinking that you can just try again of these levels, sorry, but you only get one life to make your way across. One mistake and you're done. Also, two of the futuristic games are Snake and Simon Says. That's how original we are talking ladies and gents. (Fun fact: just on the basis of Youtube analytics, there's a 95/5 skewing in who pays attention to any Crystal Maze stuff)

Another bugbear of it all being that many games are just reskinned versions of the same game in different zones. Take the clue trail games. Being given a clue, clicking on the appropriate item in the image to receive the next clue, and so on until it decides you've won.

After all that, after failing 90% of the games, you get your 5-10 seconds in the dome. A little bit more of a 3D game than most of the minigames but no more playable. You'll be trying to click on your moving gold token shaped targets, fighting with your mouse to do as you want it to.  And when all is said and done, and you've got your final score of roughly 6, what next? Unlockable games? any replayability whatsoever? Is there hell. Just the exact same experience time and time again trying to do less crap each time while fighting on with the godawful controls.

Play it once. Enjoy the digitized version of the theme music at the start. Enjoy the fact you've played a game based on the show. Enjoy the rather nice art style. Then never play it again and take up playing the harmonica because if you keep playing The Crystal Maze on PC, you'll inevitably end up jamming sharpened harmonicas through your palms instead.

And how much did people pay in 1994 for this box of arse? £39.95. This shambles was a full-price offering.

Will I still play it occasionally? Yes, but that's me. Someone's going to play it on Twitch occasionally so it might as well be the bloke who doesn't shut up about the show. But I can't be nice about a game that doesn't deserve niceness. I don't care what show it's associated with, I've had abscesses with more of a fun factor than this.

Got myself all riled up now, going to have to write something nice next time.