What 'The Crystal Maze' is to me

What The Crystal Maze means to me... by Liam Tate

In 1990, a couple living in their first house in Darlington found solace in an unusual little Channel 4 show. Relieved they finally found something to keep their 1 year old quiet, they could put this annoying little pile of atoms and noise in front of a portable Mitsubishi TV and he'd be quiet for an hour a week. This kept on for about a third of a year, every year until 1995. Then that unusual little Channel 4 show finished and he had to make do lesser offerings, but for the next 22 years he wouldn't shut up about that show. As that annoying, and now much bigger, pile of atoms and noise, there's still no other TV show that's grabbed me by the back of the head and pressed my face to the screen anytime it's on quite like CM manages.

Some people can quote every line from 54 years of Doctor Who, others question continuity in the maintenance of the engines of the starship Enterprise. I've repeatedly watched the same episodes from 6 series of a 90s gameshow for the vast majority of my time and to quote Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons when faced with imminent death: "Life Well Spent". Everyone has early Argos catalogue memories, something they always saw in those back pages of toys that they either never got or it seemed like they waited for years to get. Mine is the Crystal Maze board game. Still got it safe in the spare room somewhere. I remember seeing a review of the early PC game on ITV's 'Movies, Games, and Videos' on a Saturday morning/lunchtime. Didn't look great but still wanted it just because it was CM. Every single time it's mentioned on another show, referenced in some way, shape or form, there I am paying attention. The main reason I'm a Josh Widdecombe fan, every show he's been involved in, he's shoehorned in a reference to it somehow.

Even this morning, I was listening to Radio X and up comes a joke about Chris Moyles' producer settling down for a night with her boyfriend (Toby Tarrant, the son of Chris) a mucky book and the Crystal Maze theme, which she described as "Oooooh it's a tune". What with the long overdue revival, references have picked back up compared to most of the last 23 years. Although for me it was never really off the air, it was just very very repeated. At the start I made do with repeats being shown on The Bigger Breakfast, Channel 4's programming block during school holidays after The Big Breakfast which was just more Big Breakfast sandwiching other shows such as 'Eerie Indiana', 'The Monkees' and the 60's Batman series. I also had plenty recorded on VHS thanks to my gran cottoning on that having some taped would keep me quiet.

There's just something so fun and imaginative about TCM that grabs me and makes it impossible for me to not be borderline obsessed with it. Since my first mobile phone, the theme has been my ringtone. We've all got something unusual that we know far too many details about and CM is easily mine.